Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
