Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
