I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
