It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
