i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
