never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
