I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
