guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
