My girlfriend figured out who you are.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
