K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
