thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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