the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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