I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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