Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
