Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
