You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
