My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
