i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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