You don't have asthma, your pregnant
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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