I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
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