Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Randomize
