Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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