my mouth tastes like poor choices
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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