all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize