Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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