Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
It's official drugs can't kill me
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
