I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
