Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
