he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
