His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
