dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
