this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
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