I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
