I just saw a hot homeless man
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
