So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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