Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
