apparently the secret to your success is patron
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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