hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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