Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
so that wasnt chicken after all
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
