I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
