Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
