Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
