I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
