Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
