thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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