i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
