You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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