How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
