He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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