Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
